I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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