John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
