Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
