what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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