i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
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When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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