i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
