Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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