Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
