If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
