pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I could fuck to npr.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
