I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
