Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
