last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
