he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
