that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
