So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
