The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
