you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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