my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
