Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
