I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
