grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
