fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
