I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
