Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?