the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
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i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...