I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.