Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
