using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
