If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
