I feel like abortions should bother me more
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
