Porn is love you can see.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
