Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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