Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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