When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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