I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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