We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
