a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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