Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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