I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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