1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
