I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i think my cat just said my name.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
