So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
