YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
