I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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