i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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