Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
