I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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