i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
