I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
