Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
