When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
