you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
