Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
