exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
