Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
