I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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