Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My ass is underappreciated
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
