the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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