someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i think my cat just said my name.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
