hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
